Rage Rising: Anger is Scary

Grr! Anger management is not fun. I manage my anger and it manages to manage me.

Frosting helps in anger management.

I’ve already messed up. From this post where I wrote that I’d blog every week! That was months ago!

Anger. These days, it covers everything from road rage to temper tantrums. Newspapers are full of examples. Personally,  I am angry at myself for messing up and not doing what I said I’d do.

I’m procrastinating writing this blog because I don’t want to go back there. And procrastinating only makes me fearful that I won’t get it done and then angry that I don’t get it done.

Plus, I don’t want to go back to the origin of the anger mess. I might open up something I can’t get out of. What if I get stuck in that icky place again? I can already feel the surge of fear, the rage rising.

We see movies like The Hulk (I”d be mad too, if I’d turned myself green! Worse than a bad hair day!), or Anger Management, (so many times situations were misunderstood because of the plot, but they turned into painful moments).

Yesterday afternoon. I skimmed my home library for the right books–information on anger, or with anger related references like anger management, aggression, violence.

For those of you that don’t know, I am writing a nonfiction book about my walk through the dark tunnel of anger and recovery. I’m not sure what I had in mind when I first thought of doing this. I felt it would be a tie-in with my fiction, The Great Escapee Series. Seemed like a good idea–a correlation between the main character, Clarence and his anger, and me and my anger.

But then I started digging through my old journals of that time period. And yesterday, I read all afternoon, yes, but it was about aggression, fear, violence and hatred.

Also, I want this book to be meaningful and hopeful. But, as usual, I had no idea how deep I’d have to go and where God wanted to take me. If you journal, you’ll know that where God and those words scattered on the page often take you can be someplace awful. We need to get rid of our junk. But not today. Or tomorrow.

The main book I read yesterday was The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals That Protect Us From Violence by Gavin De Becker. I just looked up the parts on anger from the index. I’m going to read the whole book. But it’s not what I thought it would be. It’s as scary as a horror story.

Still, I don’t know how to do this … this blog thing about anger. It needs to be honest. I want it to be meaningful–to change someone’s life. I want it to change my life.

But I sense myself hovering over the introduction–writing several posts as the intro–procrastinating getting into the gritty stuff. I’ll just write the first half of the book about other people and maybe, maybe I’ll get to my stuff.

No.

Next week, I open the first phase–when my daughter got sick.

 

 

Rage Rising: How Do I Tell This?

Post-it Heaven

You all have stories you could tell.

Your spouse gets laid off. A child becomes very sick. Someone has to have surgery. A hurricane hits hard.

If you sat down to start the process of journaling or writing your story, where would you start?

I know. Overwhelming.

Most life stories span years. Mine do.

I asked God, “How do I tell this?”

His words, “Start at the beginning. Tell your story.”

Ugh. From the beginning to now, covers ten or more journals, full of daily rantings and puke-it-out-entries. Pages and pages. And pages.

I gathered them all–tricky since we just moved and stashed anything we didn’t immediately need in a storage building. Boxes and boxes of … yeah. Of stuff we don’t need. (That’s another chapter! Or another book!)

I began to go back and figure out what years I needed and gathered them in, along with a stack of post-its. If you have ever journaled and gone back to read those scribblings, you know that sometimes your “I’m gonna get this done today” voice is slowed or stopped altogether. You land on an entry that is so profound … or painful that you read it over and over, the memory washing over you.

One such entry is from January 2001 about a dream I had. Without telling you the whole thing, at the end of the dream I was caught up in grief so deep that I was sobbing, apparently for my daughter. When I woke, I could still hear the sobs. I asked the Lord what it meant. He said, “She won’t die, but she has to go through it and learn to move on.” I had written the Bible verse, “I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.” Phil. 4:13.

Easy to say then. Before.

In September 2002, a year and a half later, my daughter, Jenn, got very sick.

Prophetic? Maybe.

I hadn’t read that entry from back then. Sometimes I go back and read a journal but I hadn’t gone back to this one.

Until now.

Rage Rising

Duck Rag

I can feel it brewing.

It feels like a fist in my gut–twisting and turning–until it needs to explode. And somehow that fist connects to my eyes, because I want to weep. A monster resides in my chest and is pounding its way through to my thinking, my decisions and my mouth. And what comes out of my mouth are words ready to stab anyone within range.

Just being honest.

I’m starting a blog series on anger–my experience with it–that is. Rage Rising may seem like a strong title for a blog post, but rage or anger is a powerful emotion. And not that I want to puke this stuff out here. I want everybody to think I’m this nice lady who writes and doodles. Plays with grandkids. Bakes brownies for people out of the goodness … of my … heart. Not someone who could … no I wouldn’t do that. I can’t even type that. That’s awful.

I will post here every Friday, sometimes Thursday evening, depending on the schedule.

What I am hoping is that I will continue to heal through writing this series. Plus. I hope that you will read and interact with me and together we might open those memories and wounds, and expose them to the Light. And heal.

I’ll go first.

Anger is what fed me back then. I’m sure it had been lurking underneath before, but when my husband had an accident where the other guy was committing suicide and okay with possibly taking Dearly Beloved with him, my mom was dying of lung cancer, a son was addicted to cocaine and my daughter was losing ground to West Nile–all within around two years, I started down that dark tunnel of rage boiling inside.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I promise to keep these posts short and will be consistent with posting once a week. I will always post to Goodreads, my own website, and refer to them in my email newsletters, (you can sign up to receive them on my website, also).

Eventually, I will put these into a book to be published at some point, so people searching for books on anger recovery or anger management can hopefully find the help that they need.

That’s it! See you in the next post.

I Made Things Up About Osceola, Nebraska!

I’m just sitting here on my new back porch, eating lunch. The birds are twittering back and forth. The cat is lurking and probably stalking those birds. Temperature is a balmy 81 degrees. It’s August in Nebraska. I’m not making this up!

So why plot a book in small town Osceola, Nebraska? Seems like nothing happens here, right?

If you read the Orange book about Osceola, there was, at one time, a shoemaker, livestock sales barn, furniture store, billiard parlor (there still is one–in my basement!), lightning rod salesman and on and on!
Yup. Things have changed. There’s now a machine and die company, Quality Machine and Tools, Inc. run by Tim and Kelly.

We have two eateries: Terry’s Drive-Inn run by … Terry, White Eagle and another one in the works.

There are several Ag-related businesses and the biggest bins this side of anywhere. Antiques store, plumber. I can’t name them all! Plus the county seat, hospital and nursing home.

So again, why use Osceola for my book series? No Hobbits here. Life is pretty ordinary.

 

Unless … you make things up. :o)

Did you know there are sink holes and caves and secret pools here?

Only in my books.

Because I make things up!

And that’s what writers do.

Horror Story to Love Story

“I ought to sue you! I can, you know!” Clarence Timmelsen screamed at the warden. He stiffened and shuddered. Tears of rage stung his eyes. “You’re kicking me out of prison to send me to a nursing home?” He shook his fist and growled. “I’m gonna sue your ass!” ~ excerpt from my first published book, Released.

Angry Duck

Yep. That’s me.

Screaming. Tears of rage.

Cussing.

Not pretty, but true. Anger. In Clarence’s life and my own life. It has changed me. (Read the series to see how it changed Clarence!) Anger has crushed my hopes, my dreams. It has broken relationships. Added wrinkles (more than just age-related). There is a frown, a stubborn line to my jaw. But those things are just indicative of what is going on inside of me. The ugly pus of anger has been growing there a long time.

I’m not going to go into every hurt or wound right now. But most of all, I am learning: 1) It’s my choice to react or not (sometimes the other person serves their pain and junk, alongside their words, and I get to choose to react or not.), 2) I can get rid of my junk (more on that in a future post), and 3) I can learn to rest in The One Who Made Me.

Writing the The Great Escapee Series (Released and Rescued are the first and second books is this series.) is revealing my own sludge of anger. When I puke it all out (lots of icky words here, right?) and it’s in black and white on a page, it is horrifying. That’s the real horror story. But as I linger in those words–that scene above, or another, from Released–I recognize myself and the truth.

That’s why writers write–to understand themselves and the world they live in. And to learn how to be a better person. That’s when it begins to change from a horror story, to a Love story.

 

P.S. A friend/mentor has challenged me to write here once a week. I wanted to spew at him (in anger!) “I don’t have time!” But I rise to his challenge.

Your job? Hold me accountable!

Are you dealing with any of this junk? Leave a comment or go to the contact page and send me an email. I will reply!

Cheers! Eat frosting!

~Bonnie