Grr! Anger management is not fun. I manage my anger and it manages to manage me.
I’ve already messed up. From this post where I wrote that I’d blog every week! That was months ago!
Anger. These days, it covers everything from road rage to temper tantrums. Newspapers are full of examples. Personally, I am angry at myself for messing up and not doing what I said I’d do.
I’m procrastinating writing this blog because I don’t want to go back there. And procrastinating only makes me fearful that I won’t get it done and then angry that I don’t get it done.
Plus, I don’t want to go back to the origin of the anger mess. I might open up something I can’t get out of. What if I get stuck in that icky place again? I can already feel the surge of fear, the rage rising.
We see movies like The Hulk (I”d be mad too, if I’d turned myself green! Worse than a bad hair day!), or Anger Management, (so many times situations were misunderstood because of the plot, but they turned into painful moments).
Yesterday afternoon. I skimmed my home library for the right books–information on anger, or with anger related references like anger management, aggression, violence.
For those of you that don’t know, I am writing a nonfiction book about my walk through the dark tunnel of anger and recovery. I’m not sure what I had in mind when I first thought of doing this. I felt it would be a tie-in with my fiction, The Great Escapee Series. Seemed like a good idea–a correlation between the main character, Clarence and his anger, and me and my anger.
But then I started digging through my old journals of that time period. And yesterday, I read all afternoon, yes, but it was about aggression, fear, violence and hatred.
Also, I want this book to be meaningful and hopeful. But, as usual, I had no idea how deep I’d have to go and where God wanted to take me. If you journal, you’ll know that where God and those words scattered on the page often take you can be someplace awful. We need to get rid of our junk. But not today. Or tomorrow.
The main book I read yesterday was The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals That Protect Us From Violence by Gavin De Becker. I just looked up the parts on anger from the index. I’m going to read the whole book. But it’s not what I thought it would be. It’s as scary as a horror story.
Still, I don’t know how to do this … this blog thing about anger. It needs to be honest. I want it to be meaningful–to change someone’s life. I want it to change my life.
But I sense myself hovering over the introduction–writing several posts as the intro–procrastinating getting into the gritty stuff. I’ll just write the first half of the book about other people and maybe, maybe I’ll get to my stuff.
Next week, I open the first phase–when my daughter got sick.