Rage Rising

Duck Rag

I can feel it brewing.

It feels like a fist in my gut–twisting and turning–until it needs to explode. And somehow that fist connects to my eyes, because I want to weep. A monster resides in my chest and is pounding its way through to my thinking, my decisions and my mouth. And what comes out of my mouth are words ready to stab anyone within range.

Just being honest.

I’m starting a blog series on anger–my experience with it–that is. Rage Rising may seem like a strong title for a blog post, but rage or anger is a powerful emotion. And not that I want to puke this stuff out here. I want everybody to think I’m this nice lady who writes and doodles. Plays with grandkids. Bakes brownies for people out of the goodness … of my … heart. Not someone who could … no I wouldn’t do that. I can’t even type that. That’s awful.

I will post here every Friday, sometimes Thursday evening, depending on the schedule.

What I am hoping is that I will continue to heal through writing this series. Plus. I hope that you will read and interact with me and together we might open those memories and wounds, and expose them to the Light. And heal.

I’ll go first.

Anger is what fed me back then. I’m sure it had been lurking underneath before, but when my husband had an accident where the other guy was committing suicide and okay with possibly taking Dearly Beloved with him, my mom was dying of lung cancer, a son was addicted to cocaine and my daughter was losing ground to West Nile–all within around two years, I started down that dark tunnel of rage boiling inside.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I promise to keep these posts short and will be consistent with posting once a week. I will always post to Goodreads, my own website, and refer to them in my email newsletters, (you can sign up to receive them on my website, also).

Eventually, I will put these into a book to be published at some point, so people searching for books on anger recovery or anger management can hopefully find the help that they need.

That’s it! See you in the next post.

Horror Story to Love Story

“I ought to sue you! I can, you know!” Clarence Timmelsen screamed at the warden. He stiffened and shuddered. Tears of rage stung his eyes. “You’re kicking me out of prison to send me to a nursing home?” He shook his fist and growled. “I’m gonna sue your ass!” ~ excerpt from my first published book, Released.

Angry Duck

Yep. That’s me.

Screaming. Tears of rage.

Cussing.

Not pretty, but true. Anger. In Clarence’s life and my own life. It has changed me. (Read the series to see how it changed Clarence!) Anger has crushed my hopes, my dreams. It has broken relationships. Added wrinkles (more than just age-related). There is a frown, a stubborn line to my jaw. But those things are just indicative of what is going on inside of me. The ugly pus of anger has been growing there a long time.

I’m not going to go into every hurt or wound right now. But most of all, I am learning: 1) It’s my choice to react or not (sometimes the other person serves their pain and junk, alongside their words, and I get to choose to react or not.), 2) I can get rid of my junk (more on that in a future post), and 3) I can learn to rest in The One Who Made Me.

Writing the The Great Escapee Series (Released and Rescued are the first and second books is this series.) is revealing my own sludge of anger. When I puke it all out (lots of icky words here, right?) and it’s in black and white on a page, it is horrifying. That’s the real horror story. But as I linger in those words–that scene above, or another, from Released–I recognize myself and the truth.

That’s why writers write–to understand themselves and the world they live in. And to learn how to be a better person. That’s when it begins to change from a horror story, to a Love story.

 

P.S. A friend/mentor has challenged me to write here once a week. I wanted to spew at him (in anger!) “I don’t have time!” But I rise to his challenge.

Your job? Hold me accountable!

Are you dealing with any of this junk? Leave a comment or go to the contact page and send me an email. I will reply!

Cheers! Eat frosting!

~Bonnie

 

 

Thanks Tosca!

Released Cover MEDIUM WEB

Ask and you shall receive!

But it took me two weeks to drum up the nerve to ask her. I’m so glad I did.

I tried to talk myself out of it. She is so busy with being a newlywed, new mom, new book out, new …

But I did ask her.

This is what she sent: “A curmudgeonly ex-con senior citizen, a little girl named Bea, and her addict mother. An unlikely trio crosses paths on the road to redemption from their pasts in small town Nebraska–with a little help from above. With true-to-life grit and characters you love to love (and some you love to hate), RELEASED is a fresh slice of hope in a world of injured souls.”

Thank you Tosca!

Write? Any Day But Today!

I’m tired and cranky and all out of sorts.

And I have fifty chapters left in what I think is my 18th pass of edits.

I’m sick of the story. I would rather clean the oven or gather junk for a trip to Goodwill.

The sun is somewhere else. Not here anyway. Gloomy gloomy.

But. I am starting my writing day at 10:30 a.m. as usual. Somedays it’s at 2 p.m. or 3.

But today I begin in Faith, knowing that if I but start, the page will carry me away. The story will grab hold of my heart again, and I will be sad when my tired body needs to quit.

Continue reading

Real Beginnings

Recently, I was asked to participate in an author panel at a local library. Me. I could get nervous if I let myself, but what really hits me is: I am an author if I have been invited to be on an author panel!

Since that call, I have been thinking about what I will talk about (and what I will not talk about! Lol!). Like … how did I start writing?

I have journaled for many years, through many spiral notebooks, hardbound sketchbooks (I draw/doodle in them too), and moleskins I keep in my purse.

But I remember well the day I actually wrote my first fiction.

Let me set it up for you.

Continue reading

Not Giving Up — Gittin’ Back In The Saddle

I don’t do New Year resolutions, but I love getting my journal out and rehashing where I’m at with God, life, writing, relationships, art, etc. January 3rd was a good entry for that, knowing that this year, 2015, I will e-publish several books and short stories.

I have been writing for ten years or more. Journaling for more years than I can remember. How many short stories and books can a person have lying around on their hard drive without getting them out there? Not that all are publish-ready, but many are.

I can hear your thoughts right now. “Are ya scared?”

Yup! Shakin’-in-ma-boots-scared!

Those stories are my babies and what if you don’t like them? What if you make fun of them? What if … you don’t read them once I get the guts to publish them?

Well, Reader Person, Sir/Ma’am, I am going to publish. This year.

I don’t know what that looks like. I don’t even know how to do it. Yet.

But.

I am going to do it.

It’s time to step up to the plate … or get my feet wet. Orrrr … git off the pot! (Some strange cowboy influence today).

I’m inspired, excited and ready for the challenge! Stickin’ ma neck out.

Hold me accountable.

Or we can hold each other accountable.

A challenge for you. Have you gotten back in the saddle after quitting? After falling? After … failing? Please leave a comment below. I’d love to hear your stories!

© 2015, Bonnie Lacy